Once again it has been awhile, and for no good reason the sinful silence of my mouth has penetrated my life, and inexcusable indifference has shrouded my heart to the mighty GOD who has redeemed me. The healthy frustration of the Christian life if not daily surrendered to God can be overwhelming to say the least.
The fact that I can wake up and be indifferent to reading the WORD of the Creator of the Universe is repulsive, or the fact that my blood pulses through my arteries at greater force and intensity, over anything that is not GOD is an unthinkable evil, and yet as long I am encased in this body with indwelling sin I must lean my whole weight into GOD and resolve not only to fight everyday with every fiber in my body against those weakening inclinations, but I must learn and develop a way to live in constant knowledge of HIS greatness without being overwhelmed by my weakness, and so grow despondent over my complete depravity, or swing to the other extreme and live carelessly because it doesn’t matter grace has got me covered, right?
Maybe you’re thinking that is where grace comes in, and you are right, but how is the power of grace displayed in my life within this context? What does that look like? What heart inclinations does the Holy Spirit bring about by grace through faith, to live in the trembling fear of GOD confidently [Heb 4:16] ?
What I mean by that, is how can I live in the humility of the fear of GOD, which is living in the awe of HIS holiness and beauty, without being crushed by His Supremacy in light of my inferiority? Or yet another way of asking it, what does grace working through faith produce in me that allows me to live with the seriousness of sin with out being overwhelmed by it?
Im envisioning being on the Maid of the Mist just a few feet away from the bone pulverizing force of Niagara Falls. The rushing water so loud that screams at the top of my lungs are carried but a few inches. The tangible pressure of the rushing water’s force being felt in my lungs upon each breath, and the tumult so fierce that I can only take 20 minutes of it before a collapsing anxiety sets in. And yet my fear, although present and great is controlled and submissive because my faith is in white-haired, 50 year seasoned captain of the ship, that knows those waters and that vessel better than his own wife.
Does that illustration help to relay what I am getting at? It is living with a holy fear of God, as you stand in awe of His majesty, your attention and gaze is so fixated at His power, holiness, and beauty that living carelessly in regard to sin is not something you entertain or are drawn to, even though you sin everyday by simply getting out of bed without being completely in awe that God has commanded an intense ball of fire to rise from the east that morning.
My last name is not Piper, Tozer, Owen, or Edwards, which God has graciously used in my life to infect me with a burning desire, to desire GOD more. I don’t have any original or deep introspection on how to successfully be consistent to live in trembling awe of GOD. Read these men to gain insight on how to dig for gold, instead of raking for leaves when reading scripture. The former is much easier but your life will sing a flat note as you live on earth, and it will not attract others to GOD. The latter is much harder, and involves complete humility as you patiently wait for GOD to give a glimpse of His glory in the face of JESUS, through HIS word, as His Spirit opens the eyes of our hearts to “the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe” [Eph 1:18]. But the yielded fruit is a radical love infested life that will be a symphony of sound in this glory-deaf world.
journeytolosemyself 
As one who struggles with anxiety, I have learned that my feelings rarely reflect the truth of my circumstances and certainly not the truth of who I am in Christ. In this fallen world, in the battle against our own flesh, there are plenty of times I don’t feel like submitting to the Spirit. Do it anyway. Read the Word. Pray even when the words are hard to find. Cry out to the Lord when worldly desires are overwhelming.
“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”
Philippians 1:6 ESV
“Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God,”
2 Corinthians 3:4-5 ESV
“For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing…Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.”
Romans 7:18-19; 24-25 ESV
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“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
Psalms 73:26 ESV
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After realizing that I misunderstood the tone of this post and the next, I read them again. I did not sense discouragement in them this time. I must have cast my own discouraged feelings onto your words. I don’t feel hopeless nor faithless, for the Lord is always faithful, but I do feel disappointed and a little battle weary. Thanks for always sharing and encouraging such joy in the Lord in all circumstances.
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